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OSCAR LOOKS THAT DESERVE OUR COMMENDATION AND/OR WORSHIP

All of these images are borrowed from the New York Times Red Carpet Project. What? I don't know, but that's what they're calling it. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE, NYT!

Don’t talk to me of love. I’ve had an earful
And I get tearful when I’ve downed a drink or two.

I am one of your talking wounded.

I am a hostage. I am maroonded.

But I am in Paris with you.

Audrey Tatou in Alberta Ferretti. Everything. Perfection. 

Cameron Diaz in Emanuel Ungaro. Unreal in its execution.

Cam Diaz in Versace. Only these pectorals can do this dress justice.

Sunrise and Marc Ruffalo (Fracking Activists!!!) I don't know who did it, but I love her frock. Just, love.

Bjork in Marjan Pejoski. Forever. The tights, the gown, the hair, the shoes. Art.

Cameron Diaz in Prada. She wears the dress. Perfect accessories, hair, make-up.

Cate Blanchett in Givenchy. I'll never forget this. How is this constructed? Brilliant.

Ashley Judd in Armani. Adore Miss Judd. Very few people could do what she's doing here.

Camilla Alves in Kaufman Franco. Iconic in its perfection. Could've been boring. Think about it.

Barbara Streisand in ... not sure, but I love this. She went short. Risky. Genial.

Charlese Theron in Gucci. Another iconic look. So very stunning.

Chloe Sevigny in Yves Saint Laurent. The best she's looked. I like her with a little eye makeup and blush.

Claire Danes in Narciso Rodriguez. Also, my favorite look for her.

Coco Lee in Chanel. What?? I die for this!

Ellie Kemper in Armani. The hair with the dress = yesssss.

Emma Thompson in Armani. Goddess.

Emily Blunt in Calvin Klein. I was blown away.

Erykah Badu in Charlene Shephard. Very few people could do this look. Gorge.

Gabrielle Anwar in ?? Not sure who did the dress, but she's working it with true beauty.

Gisele in Christian Dior. Many a lady tried to replicate this look. She did it first.

Celine Dionne just effing going for it, in Dior. Not for everyone. But def for me. 

Gwyneth Paltrow in Calvin Klein. Doesn't seem like Calvin, but is, and is amazing.

Fishsticks in Zac Posen. The first time I saw this I couldn't stop staring. 

Helena Bonham Carter KILLING IT and looking like the coolest woman in the room.

Halle Berry Versace. How magnificent is this entire look?

Hillary Swank in Guy Laroche. Again, stunning from Second One. Insane plunge.

Hillary Swank in Versace. I like her in Versace. It shape-shifts her. So belle.

Jean Dujardin. Handsome.

Jennifer Tilly in Isaac Mizrahi. This dress made an impression on me, along with the gloves.

Jennifer Lawrence in Calvin Klein. Best she's looked. Hands down.

JLo in Badgley Mischka. Call me crazy, love this look for her.

Kate Winslet looking adorable in Vivienne Westwood. So at ease, happy, love.

JGL looking dapper and fun and nice.

Kirsten Dunst in Chanel. One of her best. Love the blond-blond.

Jodi Foster in Armani. Iconic. I saw this and thought: I'm looking at greatness.

Tyra Banks in Halston. So lovely. This is how you work a scarf.

Marisa Tomei in Versace. Not your expected look. A little too rococo but yet not. 

Michelle Williams in Vera Wang. Who will forget this look? No one. The red lips and necklace MAKE it.

Rachel Mwanza in ?? I mean, stunning.

Mila Kunis in Elie Saab. At first I thought: ooh nooo!! But then I thought: oh, wait, yes.

Minnie Driver in Halston. Minus the fur (sad face) this is the very best she's looked.

Nick Nolte. Bad Ass.

Patricia Clarkson in Bill Blass. Barbie-wear designer did his best here. She's everything.

Nicole Kidman in Balenciaga. One of the first dresses that called me to attention.

Zoe Saldana in Alexis Mabille. One of my favorite designers. She totally rocks this.

Zoe Saldana in Givenchy. Ahmehgawh. I want to lose thirty pounds and wear this right now.

Sally Field in Valentino. This is my plan: look like her and wear this in thirty years.

Winona Ryder in Chanel. Ha! Brilliant.

Uma Thurman in Christian Lacroix. Who! Who could design and/or wear this?? No one! And yet...!!!

Penelope Cruz in L'Wren Scott. Just so gorgeous and amazing.

Nicole Kidman in Balenciaga. The bookends of this list (Audrey and Nicole) are the top looks of all time. End Play.

Yes, I am angry at the way I’ve been bamboozled

And resentful at the mess that I’ve been through.

I admit I am on the rebound

And I don’t care where are we bound. 

I am in Paris with you.

Post Script: The following looks were still memorable, but less successful...

Don’t talk to me of love. Let’s talk of Paris,

The little bit of Paris in our view.

There’s that crack across the ceiling

And the hotel walls are peeling

And I am in Paris with you.

Katherine Heigl. Well, too much rouge. Sometimes people think if you cinch your waist within an inch of its life then you've won. Wrong. You've LOST. 

Kate Hudson. Inexplicable, all around.

Melissa Leo. In theory, great. But, no. Too big, ill-fitting, wrong idea.

J-Lo. Arm hole vents are always a no.

Kate Winslet. I've had dreams about this dress, in a not good way. Unfortunate. The draping thing with different fabrics, alongside the basic structure of this dress = someone asleep at the wheel.

Reese Witherspoon. Ambien, Lunesta, Advil PM (my jam) dress.

Anne Hathaway. WHAT?!

Sandra Bullock, this is not acceptable. But I understand why you tried it. In fact I've tried something similar, but only in the privacy of the Brass Plum dressing room, at the Mall of America,when I was in high school and had no friends. So not much has changed.

Camerone. The dress is dreadful, but the real problem is the tan and brown dust mop. No offense!

Jennifer Connelly is drop dead gorgeous, a bit thin, but gorgeous. The problem here is not the dress, it is the scarf. We are not doing La Boheme. I wish we were.

Kirsten Dunst in Chanel. But holy what in the?

Sandra Bullock. There's something fun and pretty happening here, but also, come on. You know she's like, I'm getting stoned/drunk as soon as possible. The orange blond is also something we've all tried, and all failed at. In the words of Beckett: fail better.

Charlese Theron. The more I look at this, the more I find this offensive. The hair, especially.

Juliette Binoche. Unfortunate as she is an iconic woman with beauty from another universe.

Tyra Banks. Okay, well, ...

Don’t talk to me of love. Let’s talk of Paris,

The little bit of Paris in our view.

There’s that crack across the ceiling

And the hotel walls are peeling

And I am in Paris with you.

ENJOY THE SHOW EVERYONE!! IF YOU ARE NOT WATCHING THEN WE ARE FROM A DIFFERENT LINEAGE!! 

PPS: (MY OSCAR SPEECH) "RATS OFF TO MY LONG-SUFFERING CHILD, DOG, AND HUSBAND FOR CONTINUING TO KNOW ME. CHEERS!!"

Don’t talk to me of love. Let’s talk of Paris.

I am in Paris with the slightest thing you do.

I am in Paris with your eyes, your mouth,

I am in Paris with all points south.

Am I embarrassing you?

I am in Paris with you.

- James Fenton, from In Paris With You