He was a Monster

2009



When you are young – it is 10:54 – it is 10:54 and you have all the time in the world – to what? – to make lists – to list the qualities you wish to embody – the person you aspire in earnest to become – You'll never care about money – You will drive faster, farther – You will memorize maps – And rivers – Correct spelling and grammar unconsciously, judiciously – You will meet someone, a gift of the universe, the same gift as you, Galatea – This is the list you write again and again – after boarding a bus in a foreign country – after a kiss that leaves you empty as a shell – after a new apartment in a new city – The list will change – but only in the most irrelevant, inevitable ways – The countries whose capitols you will photograph, the friends you wish to find, the language you will study by tape – And master

When you are twenty-eight you do not spend time crafting lists like these – you refuse to kid yourself about the future, the promise of anything – you are different now – your dog, your child, asleep in your bed – you've experienced betrayal and deceit – you've lost your mind – chased it – and lost it again – you are in love with men from the past – men who never really wanted you – you write to them now – think of them when you've had a drink at a work party and are walking home along the parkway – past the museum – towards home, sleep, something

You are awake – it is dark –

You are making a list – It is a list of things you cannot touch